Casino Newbie: Why Are Slots So Hard to Understand?
Look. I’m new to slots. I like betting. I like online casino games like blackjack and poker. I even like craps, although I forget how to play it in between every time I’m inside a casino, so that’s frustrating. But staring at a slots machine and understanding what is happening is about the same if I were to go have a conversation with someone speaking Mandarin. I’m completely lost.
I’ve played slots. I’ve put some cash in the machine and hit the button. A bunch of things spin, symbols fly by, and I’ll win a quarter or something and have no idea why.
The symbols make no sense either. It might be 80% numbers, but then some flying gypsy shows up or a gigantic squid. What does the squid mean?!
One time I thought I was betting a quarter, but it was really betting 50 x $.25 = $12.50, so I hit the button twice and blew through my $25 about ten seconds. Argh.
Is it possible that nobody really knows what’s going on? I see people sitting on slots machines like zombies hitting the spin button over and over. Are we all equally confused, but nobody wants to say anything?
The other thing that seems bizarre to me is the sheer selection of slots games. I can fire up my ol’ gambling app, say DraftKings, and go into the casino section, and there are seemingly hundreds of slots titles. Do we need this many? Are they distinct enough to warrant this type of selection? Is each game essentially the same thing but with different colors and symbols?
I’m curious how one decides what slot game is to be the slot game that they’ll focus on. Surely it’s the title and imagery that attract that initial selection, then do you typically just stick with the same one?
As I furthered my process to learn how to play slots online, I learned that it is recommended to check out this thing called the paytable for each game. Of course, then I learned that finding the payable is essentially a game in and of itself. Sometimes they’ll be a small “I” icon in the corner of the screen or a gear symbol or a menu or something else. Either way, click it and find the paytable, you idiot.
Upon opening the paytable, you’ll be told the rules and how you can win at this particular game of slots. It’s basically a foreign language if you’re a slots novice. Have you ever put together a table from Ikea with the instructions provided? It’s similar.
For example, I went over to something called 3x Ultra Diamond. It’s a slots game on DraftKings casino. I found the paytable. This time it was a question mark icon in the top right corner!
The first thing on the paytable was three 3x diamond symbols next to each other and the number 5,000 next to it. That was the entire explanation. Three diamond symbols and “5,000.”
Does this mean I win $5,000 if I get three 3x diamond symbols in a row? Does it mean 5,000 multiplier on my bet? I think the latter. My point is, shouldn’t this be abundantly clear even for idiots like me? I mean goodness, I’m a slots novice, but I’ve been around casinos, played tons of various table games, bet on sports, all of it. Shouldn’t this be relatively straight forward for someone like me?
I keep scrolling and it shows me more versions of three symbols in a row with a number next to it. I think that this is showing me the multiplier of my bet I get if I hit three in a row of the particular symbol.
I move on and it shows me the paylines. Now this is probably the most clear part of the paytable. It’s a simple diagram with highlighted squares representing the ways that you can essentially get “three in a row.” On this slots game, there are 9 paylines. I understand this, but my question is, do people actually have this memorized? No chance.
The next section on the paytable explained the wild symbols and here’s the first one: “[3x symbol] is wild for seven and bar symbols except when a combination of any 3 [3x symbols], [wild symbol] and [purple wild symbol’ appear on an active pauline. 1 [3x symbol] in a non-jackpot winning combination will triple the win, and 2 [3x symbol] in a non-jackpot winning combination will pay 9x the win.” Is this a sick joke?
Next is another similar section called Jackpot Wilds with similar rules. Then we have multiplier symbols with even more rules.
I go back to my previous thesis. No chance normal people playing this game have all this memorized. I go through this paytable and my mind immediately goes to that scene of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind calculating all kinds of advanced math in his head.
Which I think brings me back to my original thought about slots. I don’t think that anyone truly knows exactly what is happening when they play slots.
They know how much they are wagering per spin (usually), they hit the spin button, a bunch of symbols move around and lights flash and part of the time, you win some money which gets added to your balance and you’re not totally sure why. The game is essentially just repeatedly pushing of the spin button and watching your balance go up or down. By and large, people know that there are some weird “special” symbols that typically mean good things so when they see them show up, their eyes open up a bit more. But that’s really it. That’s slots.
With that said, I’m all in, let’s go play. Who’s in?
Patrick Cwiklinski
Following a lengthy sports journalism career primarily covering MMA, hockey, and college sports for publications like theScore, The Province, and VICE Sports, Patrick transitioned into the world of content marketing. His goal was to bridge the gap between great writing and SEO success, and he’s brought that same mindset to Honey Monkey Pineapple.
